I'll Write You a Million Love Letters
by Runs with Werewolfs
Summary: "I'm feeling really awkward writing this, but you know what? I'd write you a million love letters just you know that you mean every thing in the world to me" James is grieving and Kendall wants to help. Kames one shot for TheSavageSoul. major angst.


**I'll Write You a Million Love Letters**

* * *

James Diamond had been through many things in his life. He had dealt with a crappy parental situation growing up. His brother had been completely nasty to him from the time James was 5 to 15, when James had left for California with his best friends. His parents had chosen James as their scape goat. "James, why can't you be athletic like Jackson. James, why can't you be smart like Jessica. James, why can't you be as popular as Jenna?" His parents constant barrage of questions had rained down on him for as long as he could remember.

James was the second youngest of four kids. Jackson, his older brother, was 5 years older, had been captian of the hockey team and on the football team, and gotten into University of Minnesota on an atheletic scholarship. His parents worshipped Jackson, with his muscles and grace and ease on the ice. They had pressure James into hockey to be more like their first born and while James loved hockey, it wasn't his life like it was for his older brother. A part of him loved Jackson, but more of him hated Jackson.

James's little sister was Jenna. She was only a year and a half younger , and she was perfect. She was a cheerleader, she was charismatic, and she was now 18 and the student body president, an almost unanimous vote according to Carlos's little sister Evelyn. James held nothing against Jenna, she was a sweet girl, and deserved her popularity, and it wasn't like she acted like she was. And James was sure she had partially been voted in because of her connect to him. She called him almost every night and they texted each other every day. Jenna was simply perfect and he didn't blame his parents for wanting him to be more like her.

Then there was Jessica. Jessica was a genius, like Logan, only smarter, well on her way to becoming a successful lawyer last year. James said last year because something had happened. She had been at work, as a paralegal, when some client, pissed off about loosing his case, had walked into the building and open fired, shooting Jessica. She'd lain in a coma for 2 weeks, until her fiancée, Mark, had made the decision- with James's help- to pull the plug. Mark had left, he couldn't watch her die. Jessica had died in James's arms.

Jessica had been the one person who really, truly, got James. When he had come out, at the tender age of 14, when Jackson had teased him relentlessly, beaten him up and called him names, and Jessica had been humiliated about the whole ordeal and acted like she didn't know him for a year, except at home when her friends weren't over, when she still liked to sit next to him and watch a movie, snuggled up to her big brother, Jessica had been there, regardless. She'd been 17 at the time, a junior, and James had been a freshman. She'd told off countless seniors for bullying him, once even giving a guy a black eye. James could see his parent's worshipping of Jessica, because in his eyes, she was just as perfect.

James wasn't anything like any of them. For one thing, while they were all blonde, blue eyes, James had inherited his mother's family's dark hair and hazel eyes. He stood out among them. For another, he wasn't as perfect as they were. He had spent his whole life playing second banana to Logan. "He's not as smart as his friend Logan". "He's not as funny as his friend Carlos" "he's not as great as his best friend, Kendall". James always came in second, second in his parents hearts, second in the band, second to Kendall- second everything. Except in one thing- his big sister's heart. Jessica would drop anything and everything for James.

Natuarlly, he'd been heart broken when she had died. He'd been downright furious when the guy had gotten off on an insanity plea. He'd been livid when Mark had cut off contact with them and married some other girl 6 months later. He'd been ready to start a war when her boss didn't even treat her with respect, not even putting a picture up in remembrance. His big sister, she simply deserved so much more than that.

He'd done so much to remember her. He'd talked (bribed) Bitters, into letting him plant a single, pink, rosebush at the Palmwoods in her honor. He'd gotten Gustavo to put up a plaque at Rocque Records in her honor. His parents had given him part of her ashes, unlike the other two, saying she would have wanted him to have it- the one kind thing they'd ever done for him- and he had convinced Mama Knight to buy a pretty urn and put them in a prominent place in the apartment, right next to a picture of her.

But he still missed her with everything he had. He still wanted her back. He still cried for her, for a life that had never been lived because it had been cut short too soon. He'd spent countless nights sobbing brokenly into Kendall's chest, once even beating up on Kendall because he had been so angry even though Kendall had done nothing wrong, just asked James how he was holding up. He'd pounded his fists into Kendall's chest, screaming in pain and anger, , while Kendall had simply held him and Logan and Carlos had stood at the door, unsure of what to do. Kendall never even complained, instead, when James had been done, Kendall had settled into the couch, kissed James sweetly, and rubbed small circles into James's back, singing some lullaby he had sung to Katie when she was little until James had fallen asleep in Kendall's arms. James didn't know how he'd live without his Kendall.

Kendall. Kendall Knight was simply perfect. James couldn't compare to Kendall and it was simply pointless to try. He had given up trying to top Kendall's perfection 10 years ago. James had fallen for Kendall when he was 13 and had been dating Kendall since they were 17. 3 years, and a promise of forever. The one thing that had gotten James through the last year was Kendall Knight, because even Logan and Carlos didn't quite have the same way with James that Kendall did. If James tried to unleash his grief on Logan, Logan would get hurt and Carlos would get all sad. Logan was okay at comfort James, and knowing exactly what James wanted to hear, and Carlos was a pro at keeping James's mind off things for a couple hours, but Kendall was more than that. Kendall was good at saying was James NEEDED to hear, in a way that didn't upset him, and Kendall was good at comforting James when James just needed to cry. Kendall was everything James could ask for and more.

Kendall Knight on the ice and Kendall Knight with James were two different people. Kendall on the ice was mean and a total jock, ready to bash some heads in. Kendall when James needed him was different even from normal Kendall. Kendall when he saw James cry was soft, and tender, and sweet, comforting, and gave the best hugs, even over Carlos and his bone crushing hugs. Kendall only did it with James, but when James would come to Kendall searching for a huge, Kendall would wrap his arms around James, and gently kiss James's neck, a secret action that always calmed James down and made him feel better. Any kisses from Kendall made James feel like he was being adored or something, and it felt good. Kendall somehow always knew when James was feeling insecure, and exactly what James was feeling insecure about. "I love your smile, James." "James, have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are. When you look at me and our eyes meet, I feel like all the stars are shinning down right on me". Kendall was newly 21, and once, the only time Kendall had ever been drunk, James had walked past in his boxers, and Kendall had shouted, loudly, for his sister, mother, Logan, Carlos, and Camille, who was over visiting, to here. "Hey, hot stuff, I like your butt!". James hadn't laughed that hard in ages, and it had felt good.

Kendall Knight was perfect therapy for James's broken heart.

* * *

James snuggled closer into Kendall's chest. The couple was lying on the couch, Kendall watching TV, James having come over, feeling a need for comfort. Kendall hooked his legs around James and smiled at him. He leaned forward, disregarding the hockey game to kiss James softly. "I love you baby" Kendall smiled against James's lips. "How are you holding up?" Kendall asked, knowing that the next day was the one year mark of Jessica's death.

James sighed. "Hanging in there." He said softly.

Kendall frowned. "I hate seeing you sad all the time." He whispered. "I know it's rough, and I don't want you to force happiness, but is there anything I can do to make you smile?"

James shrugged. "Well, this makes me pretty happy." He said softly, snuggling his head into Kendall's chest. "Just you and me, alone, together, while Logan has Carlos otherwise occupied? Yeah, I like that. It feels nice. I like being alone with you."

Kendall smiled. "I like being alone with you too. That's why I paid Logan 50 bucks and told him to take Carlos to a movie or two."

James smiled slightly. "Sneaky little devil, when did you do that?"

"This morning when you were helping Katie with her make up. You know, you're like the big sister I didn't have the boobs to be" Kendall smiled and leaned forward, kissing James again. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Logan's taking me to some movie, and then I'll probably go sit in the bedroom and sob for a coupe hours" James mumbled. Kendall sighed.

"I wish you wouldn't" He muttered. It broke Kendall's heart to see James so sad- so broken. Kendall rubbed a circle into James's back. James shifted and snuggled closer into Kendall, a soft moan emitting from his throat. "Do you want to go out to dinner tomorrow night? We could go to a little diner and just talk and chill and not deal with Carlos pestering us about stupid things like whether we've had sex lately"

James shrugged. "Emotionally, I might not be able to handle being in public"

Kendall traced a pattern onto James's arm. "We could get a little booth in the back, alone."

James shivered under Kendall's expert touch. "Alone sounds nice…"

"It would be nice. We could sit on the same side of the booth and I could keep my arm around you and we could just be alone." Kendall's voice was seductive, low and husky.

"Fine, you win." James whispered. "Maybe it will be nice to not mope all day"

"It will be. She wouldn't want you to mope anyways, babe." Kendall urged.

James yawned. "You're right. Hey, do you mind if I catch some sleep, I'm kinda tired."

Kendall wrapped his arms around James. "No, not at all. Go right ahead." He whispered. James snuggled even closer into Kendall, who was basically pressed against the couch now, not that he minded, and closed his eyes, drifting into a , for once, peaceful sleep. Kendall turned his attention back to the game, gently rubbing circles into James's back still. He'd do anything for James, just to make him smile again, to laugh again- anything. Kendall thought James had the most beautiful smile in the world and he missed it dearly.

* * *

James walked into his bedroom the next afternoon, dabbing at his eyes. He missed his sister, more than ever. At the theatre, a couple of punk teenagers had spotted James and started making comments. Logan had asked them to stop twice, but they hadn't. Jessica would have decked one of them. James threw himself onto the bed, curling around Kendall's pillow, which lay forgotten in the middle of the bed after Kendall had chucked it at Carlos that morning. He buried his face into it, taking in the family, and comforting, scent of his lover's shampoo and sobbed.

Kendall wasn't home yet, at least, James hadn't been greeted with a huge hug and a smiling face and a kiss. Instead, he'd been greeted by Katie and Mrs. Knight arguing over whether Katie's new boyfriend, Todd. James snuggled closer into Kendall's pillow, and felt a piece of paper in the case. He sat up, and pulled out an envelope. Curious, he turned it over and smiled when he saw his name scrawled across it in Kendall's messy hand writing, which wasn't completely Kendall's fault, but also from Kendall being left handed, and dragging his hand across the paper.

James pulled the envelope out and unfolded the note. Kendall's familiar scrawl was all over the page, and at the bottom, was a single picture, printed out. James picked it up and smiled. It was a picture of him and Kendall, arms around each other, smiling into the camera, while Jessica stood behind them, a huge smile on her face. James could remember the day, clearly, the last day he'd seen her coherent and awake and aware of him. He'd been 19, Kendall had been almost 20, and she had come to visit because she missed him. James was forever grateful for that last week, and this photo had been taken right before she had driven off into the sunset for good. James wiped a tear from his eye and lifted the letter up, eyes scanning the page.

**_My Darling James_**

**_Okay, that sounded like something from one of Mom's cheesy romance novels, you know, the one's with Fabio on the cover (by the way, you could TOTALLY be the new Fabio, on romance covers. Except they'd have to put me in a dress and a wig because you're MINE). But my cheesyness isn't the point here, baby. The point is, I love you more than anything. I know I say it everyday, but I do._**

**_You need to stop comparing yourself to everyone else, sweetheart. Last night when you were asleep, you muttered something about Jackson being better than you. You're better than him in my book because you have something deep inside of you that can't be messed with. He's let himself be changed drastically._**

**_You're everything to me, sweetheart. I'm not really very good at this, but I wanted to do. I wanted to give you something that you can carry with you, so you know, no matter how far away I am, how much I love you. How much Jessica loved you. How much Logan and Carlos love you. How much Mom and Katie adore you. How much I adore you. I can't really put into words how much I love you, James. _**

**_Everything about you is just-perfect. Your hair, your eyes, your face, your beautiful smile that I can't get enough of. Your muscles, your shoulders (have you ever noticed how you fall asleep in my arms but I wake up with my head on your shoulder in your arms more often then not. I have. I like it.) You're warm and cozy, and I like the way you taste. The way ALL of you tastes. _**

**_You're so beautiful James. I'm feeling really awkward writing this, but you know what? I'd write you a million love letters just you know that you mean every thing in the world to me. I love you, darling. Don't ever forget it._**

**_All My Love (Just to end on an extra cheesy note)_**

**_Kendall_**

James smiled and looked up from the note, jumping when he saw Kendall standing in the doorway with a bright smile on his face, hands stuffed into his pocket, leaning on the door frame. "Hey" Kendall sat with a grin.

James jumped off the bed and bounded over to him. Kendall pushed himself off the door frame as James wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck. "I love you" James announced. Kendall wrapped his arms around James and laughed.

James kissed Kendall quickly. "You, Kendall Knight, are the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Has Santa started cloning you yet?" he asked. Kendall grinned up at him.

"Not yet. I guess you liked the love letter?" Kendall asked, a smile on his face.

James nodded. "You made a potentially terrible day amazing, Kendall. I love you."

Kendall grinned again. "You're beautiful, James, when you smile. Just thought I'd let you know. I love you so much. I'd really write you a million love letters to see you smile. but it was too mushy"

"It wasn't mushy at all, Ken. It- it was perfect. And perfect is a _big_ word" James said, face serious. Kendall winked at him and both of them busted out laughed. "You know, your letter made me realize something. I don't have to be sad about Jessica. She's not here anymore, but she's always apart of me. And if someone makes fun of me for being gay, well, you can just introduce them to your little friend" he twisted around and picked Kendall's hockey stick up. Kendall grinned and nodded.

"Damn straight, darling. Anyone messes with my baby and I'll introduce their faces to my hockey stick" Kendall informed him, wiggling his eyebrows. "So we have dinner reservations in an hour, wanna go shower and get ready to go?"

"Shower together?"

Kendall leaned forward, kissing James's shoulder blade. "You know it" he said, tangling their hands together and leading James off. James stopped in the doorway, watching Kendall go about his business and smiled. He would always miss his sister, but with Kendall around, and knowing how loved he was- he didn't want to scream anymore. A million hate letters couldn't change the way that one love letter made James feel.

* * *

A/N: Okay, Savage Soul, I hope you liked this. I'm the queen of writing things for people when they DON'T ask. Actually, this is your Christmas present. Sorry it's so late :(. But I tried to base it off of your love of angst, fluff and added a little bit of sexual innuendos in there, since I just can't write smut. Believe me, I tried to write a shower scene and it just didn't work. Sorry :(

But I have no idea where the plot or anything came from….


End file.
